1 00:00:04,500 --> 00:00:06,650 I thought you said you were a beekeeper. 2 00:00:06,700 --> 00:00:09,658 No, a beak keeper. I keep beaks. 3 00:00:09,700 --> 00:00:11,895 Hm. Well, it's an impressive collection. 4 00:00:11,940 --> 00:00:14,659 Look, I didn't ask you back to my flat to look at my beaks. 5 00:00:14,700 --> 00:00:16,099 Of course you didn't. 6 00:00:18,220 --> 00:00:19,335 Aah! 7 00:00:19,380 --> 00:00:21,848 You don't mind if I keep my sports vest on, do you? 8 00:00:21,900 --> 00:00:23,697 Fine. 9 00:00:26,140 --> 00:00:28,779 - What's that thing on your leg? - Oh, nothing. 10 00:00:30,340 --> 00:00:32,535 Won't it get in the way? What is it exactly? 11 00:00:32,580 --> 00:00:34,650 Oh, it's an electronic tag. 12 00:00:34,700 --> 00:00:37,134 - An electronic tag? - Yeah, it's nothing. 13 00:00:37,180 --> 00:00:38,329 I got into a little scrape with the police, 14 00:00:38,380 --> 00:00:40,530 and now I have to wear an electronic tag on my leg. 15 00:00:40,580 --> 00:00:41,569 It's no big deal. 16 00:00:41,620 --> 00:00:45,135 Er... an electronic tag? Aren't they for thieves and murderers? 17 00:00:45,180 --> 00:00:46,613 You've not murdered anyone, have you? 18 00:00:46,660 --> 00:00:48,855 Not yet. Ha-ha-ha-ha! 19 00:00:48,900 --> 00:00:51,130 Ha-ha-ha. What do you mean, not yet? 20 00:00:51,180 --> 00:00:54,570 Cos he's in a coma. It could go either way. 21 00:00:54,620 --> 00:00:58,374 Look, there was a very minor altercation and someone got stabbed. 22 00:00:58,420 --> 00:01:00,376 I didn't even think it was worth calling the police. 23 00:01:00,420 --> 00:01:02,615 - Who got stabbed? - My boyfriend. 24 00:01:02,660 --> 00:01:05,538 It's fine. 25 00:01:05,580 --> 00:01:08,333 That dark stain on your rug. Is that connected with the stabbing? 26 00:01:08,380 --> 00:01:12,055 Yes, it's a bloodstain. Why are you so interested in this? 27 00:01:12,100 --> 00:01:15,536 I've just realised I have to be up really early in the morning 28 00:01:15,580 --> 00:01:17,775 for a... dentist appointment. 29 00:01:17,820 --> 00:01:19,572 I should be going. 30 00:01:19,620 --> 00:01:21,656 - Really? - Yes. 31 00:01:21,700 --> 00:01:24,168 I hope you're not put off by the fact that I stabbed my boyfriend? 32 00:01:24,220 --> 00:01:25,619 Ex-boyfriend, surely? 33 00:01:25,660 --> 00:01:27,412 Well, that's a discussion we'll have to have when he wakes up. 34 00:01:27,460 --> 00:01:28,688 That's if he ever does. 35 00:01:28,740 --> 00:01:32,619 I see it as us sort of having a bit of a break from each other. 36 00:01:32,660 --> 00:01:34,059 That's why I think it's OK for me to see you. 37 00:01:34,100 --> 00:01:36,216 You're pissed off with me, aren't you? 38 00:01:36,260 --> 00:01:37,579 No, no! 39 00:01:37,620 --> 00:01:39,258 I know what you're thinking. 40 00:01:39,300 --> 00:01:41,655 "There's another boyfriend on the scene. 41 00:01:41,700 --> 00:01:44,373 "He still fancies her. Maybe she still fancies him. 42 00:01:44,420 --> 00:01:46,775 "Where do I fit into all of this? Cos I really fancy her too." 43 00:01:46,820 --> 00:01:52,213 But don't worry, because I know that Colin would be cool about me seeing you. 44 00:01:52,260 --> 00:01:53,818 Anyway, if he's not, fuck him. 45 00:01:55,220 --> 00:01:57,051 I think we should take a break from each other. 46 00:01:57,100 --> 00:01:58,852 I only met you tonight! 47 00:01:58,900 --> 00:02:00,811 - Really? - I'm already on a break from Colin. 48 00:02:00,860 --> 00:02:02,851 I can't take a break from you as well. 49 00:02:02,900 --> 00:02:05,334 Well, maybe we can go for a drink some time soon. How would that be? 50 00:02:07,300 --> 00:02:14,131 You'd better fucking ring me. Ripped By mstoll 51 00:02:22,060 --> 00:02:23,379 I've forgotten my trousers. 52 00:02:50,860 --> 00:02:53,374 - It's tremendous news! - So, when did you hear? 53 00:02:53,420 --> 00:02:55,251 Just this morning. As soon as I got the email, I rang you. 54 00:02:55,300 --> 00:02:57,131 - Can you believe it? - Hm. 55 00:02:57,180 --> 00:02:58,659 You've won an award! 56 00:02:58,700 --> 00:03:00,975 After how many years in the industry? 57 00:03:01,020 --> 00:03:03,295 - Ten? 15? - 28. 58 00:03:03,340 --> 00:03:07,538 Time to break open the mini-champagne! 59 00:03:07,580 --> 00:03:10,970 Now, listen, there's going to be a very big ceremony, 60 00:03:11,020 --> 00:03:14,933 and they're very, very keen that you accept the award in person. 61 00:03:14,980 --> 00:03:17,255 This is great. All very exciting. 62 00:03:17,300 --> 00:03:20,736 - What is this magazine? - Oh, it's called Bra'z with a Z. 63 00:03:20,780 --> 00:03:23,772 It specialises in celebrity titbits and such. 64 00:03:23,820 --> 00:03:25,776 Bra'z? Sounds like a bongo mag. 65 00:03:25,820 --> 00:03:28,175 - A what? - A jazz mag, a porno. 66 00:03:28,220 --> 00:03:29,858 I... 67 00:03:29,900 --> 00:03:33,893 Oh, spare me the confused innocence, Jane. We're both far too long in the tooth. 68 00:03:33,940 --> 00:03:36,408 It's a celebrity magazine, Toast. 69 00:03:36,460 --> 00:03:38,894 It's read by more people than read your bingo rag, I'll wager. 70 00:03:38,940 --> 00:03:40,771 So, what have I won? What's the award for? 71 00:03:40,820 --> 00:03:42,970 Best actor. 72 00:03:44,900 --> 00:03:48,859 Am I the best actor in Britain, or the world? 73 00:03:48,900 --> 00:03:51,573 I... don't know if they've specified. 74 00:03:51,620 --> 00:03:53,576 I'll assume it's the world. 75 00:03:53,620 --> 00:03:55,656 And what's the time frame? Best actor of the year? 76 00:03:55,700 --> 00:03:58,851 - The century? Or of all time? - Toast, just be glad you've won. 77 00:03:58,900 --> 00:04:01,494 Now, do you know Susan Random? 78 00:04:01,540 --> 00:04:02,859 - No. - She's a journalist. 79 00:04:02,900 --> 00:04:05,573 She's absolutely huge on Twitter. 300,000 followers. 80 00:04:05,620 --> 00:04:08,214 Even Jesus didn't have 300,000 followers. 81 00:04:11,300 --> 00:04:14,053 - Yeah, I think he did. - Ah, not at the beginning. 82 00:04:14,100 --> 00:04:17,934 Mm? Anyway, she's very keen to meet you. Big spread in the Telegraph. 83 00:04:17,980 --> 00:04:21,052 And she's paying for lunch. I absolutely made that clear. 84 00:04:21,100 --> 00:04:22,533 Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! 85 00:04:22,580 --> 00:04:25,299 This is all unusually good. I can't wait 86 00:04:25,340 --> 00:04:29,128 to start telling people that I have won an award. 87 00:04:29,580 --> 00:04:32,140 Ah. Er... Toast, I need to inform you of something. 88 00:04:32,180 --> 00:04:33,772 Do you remember someone called 89 00:04:33,820 --> 00:04:36,493 - Kikini Bamalaam? - I know the name. 90 00:04:36,540 --> 00:04:38,212 - Kikini Bamalaam. - Kikini Bamalaam? 91 00:04:38,260 --> 00:04:39,739 - Kikini Bamalaam. - Stop saying it. 92 00:04:39,780 --> 00:04:43,011 She's the daughter of the Nigerian Ambassador. Terrific girl. 93 00:04:43,060 --> 00:04:44,493 Had a bit of a rough time lately, 94 00:04:44,540 --> 00:04:46,576 so I've asked her if she'd like to come and stay here for a while. 95 00:04:46,620 --> 00:04:48,895 - Why? - She's been recovering from an operation. 96 00:04:48,940 --> 00:04:52,455 Unfortunately, she's addicted to cosmetic surgery. 97 00:04:52,500 --> 00:04:55,617 Pointless, really. She's always been very attractive. 98 00:04:55,660 --> 00:04:59,539 But after her last rather painful op, she's ended up looking very much like... 99 00:04:59,580 --> 00:05:02,333 Er... it's most peculiar. 100 00:05:02,380 --> 00:05:04,974 - Well, who? Who does she look like? - Bruce Forsyth. 101 00:05:05,020 --> 00:05:07,056 Bruce Forsyth? 102 00:05:07,100 --> 00:05:09,409 Yes. It's quite an uncanny likeness. 103 00:05:09,460 --> 00:05:11,735 They've done a radical makeover of her entire body. 104 00:05:11,780 --> 00:05:15,136 Except for her left hand. The police arrived before they got to that. 105 00:05:15,180 --> 00:05:16,898 What, so her hand is still... 106 00:05:16,940 --> 00:05:20,376 Yes, it's the sole reminder of her quintessential African beauty. 107 00:05:20,420 --> 00:05:23,218 It's obviously rather traumatic for Kikini, 108 00:05:23,260 --> 00:05:25,251 cos she absolutely hates Bruce Forsyth. 109 00:05:25,300 --> 00:05:27,495 Although I must say, actually, I'm a bit of a fan. 110 00:05:27,540 --> 00:05:29,178 Well, who isn't? All-round entertainer. 111 00:05:29,220 --> 00:05:30,619 - Yeah. - So, what are we talking here? 112 00:05:30,660 --> 00:05:32,298 Palladium Brucie? 113 00:05:32,340 --> 00:05:34,456 Generation Game Brucie? Or Strictly Brucie? 114 00:05:34,500 --> 00:05:37,731 - It's Generation Game Brucie. - Ohh... 115 00:05:37,780 --> 00:05:39,133 Although resembling Brucie from any era 116 00:05:39,180 --> 00:05:41,694 is bound to be traumatic for an attractive African woman. 117 00:05:41,740 --> 00:05:42,809 Given. 118 00:05:42,860 --> 00:05:46,375 This latest surgeon she went to - unscrupulous character. 119 00:05:46,420 --> 00:05:48,536 Goes by the name of Besus Fufoon. 120 00:05:48,580 --> 00:05:51,094 - Besus Fufoon? - Besus Fufoon. 121 00:05:51,140 --> 00:05:53,495 - I haven't heard that name in a while. - Really? 122 00:05:53,540 --> 00:05:57,328 Besus Fufoon was a pseudonym sometimes used by a rival of mine, 123 00:05:57,380 --> 00:06:00,531 a total prat by the name of Ray Purchase. 124 00:06:00,580 --> 00:06:02,889 Ah, yes, third-rate actor, vulgar farces. 125 00:06:02,940 --> 00:06:06,216 That's the one, and I've been fucking his wife on an ongoing basis. 126 00:06:06,260 --> 00:06:07,693 He's never got used to the idea. 127 00:06:07,740 --> 00:06:11,528 So, he's branched into cosmetic surgery, then, has he? 128 00:06:11,580 --> 00:06:13,377 He's probably doing it just to get back at me. 129 00:06:13,420 --> 00:06:16,776 He's always been both very jealous and a complete tool. 130 00:06:16,820 --> 00:06:18,412 - I see. - That'd be right. 131 00:06:18,460 --> 00:06:20,178 I can just picture the scene. 132 00:06:20,220 --> 00:06:22,336 So. 133 00:06:22,380 --> 00:06:25,053 You want to look like her? 134 00:06:25,100 --> 00:06:29,093 No problem! So, I'll just, um... inject you with... 135 00:06:29,140 --> 00:06:30,619 this. 136 00:06:34,060 --> 00:06:37,416 Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh! 137 00:06:37,460 --> 00:06:39,132 Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh! 138 00:06:42,460 --> 00:06:45,452 So, you think he set himself up as a rogue cosmetic surgeon 139 00:06:45,500 --> 00:06:47,968 to operate on a friend of a friend of yours, disfigure her, 140 00:06:48,020 --> 00:06:51,774 and turn her into a Bruce Forsyth lookalike, just to piss you off? 141 00:06:51,820 --> 00:06:55,699 Yeah. Thing is, I'm not even that pissed off. 142 00:07:01,100 --> 00:07:02,852 Excuse me! 143 00:07:02,900 --> 00:07:06,654 Which one of you ladies is here to meet Steven Toast? 144 00:07:06,700 --> 00:07:09,453 Steven, hi. 145 00:07:09,500 --> 00:07:10,853 I'm Susan Random. 146 00:07:10,900 --> 00:07:12,697 I'm Steven Toast. 147 00:07:12,740 --> 00:07:15,208 - Do sit down. - I intend to. 148 00:07:15,260 --> 00:07:18,138 Thanks for agreeing to the interview. Would you like a drink? 149 00:07:18,180 --> 00:07:20,250 - Are you having one? - I'm working. 150 00:07:20,300 --> 00:07:22,336 - Of course. - If you want one, it's fine. 151 00:07:22,380 --> 00:07:25,133 I hope you're not one of these journalists who gets their subject sloshed 152 00:07:25,180 --> 00:07:26,249 so they spill the beans, 153 00:07:26,300 --> 00:07:30,088 cos that isn't going to happen. 154 00:07:34,140 --> 00:07:35,459 It seems odd that this is an interview, 155 00:07:35,500 --> 00:07:37,695 cos it's just like chatting to an old friend. 156 00:07:37,740 --> 00:07:38,809 I feel that too. 157 00:07:38,860 --> 00:07:41,818 I admit, I was planning a... a bit of a hatchet job, 158 00:07:41,860 --> 00:07:44,897 sort of "Steven Toast, he's a massive prick", 159 00:07:44,940 --> 00:07:50,537 but it just seems that we have so much in common. 160 00:07:50,580 --> 00:07:52,571 I've got so much in common too. 161 00:07:57,100 --> 00:08:00,092 Listen, I have to do this fucking play tonight. 162 00:08:00,140 --> 00:08:02,131 Maybe we could meet tomorrow afternoon. 163 00:08:02,180 --> 00:08:05,855 We could go for a walk. I live near the canal, so... 164 00:08:05,900 --> 00:08:07,492 A walk along the canal. How delightful! 165 00:08:07,540 --> 00:08:10,657 Do you read poetry? The best poetry is about canals. 166 00:08:10,700 --> 00:08:12,975 I love canal poetry. 167 00:08:13,020 --> 00:08:14,976 The only thing I don't like about the word "canal" 168 00:08:15,020 --> 00:08:16,658 is if you remove the C, it spells "anal". 169 00:08:16,700 --> 00:08:19,339 Ha-ha-ha-ha! 170 00:08:25,940 --> 00:08:28,010 Ha-ha. Yes! 171 00:08:31,860 --> 00:08:34,010 - Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! - Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! 172 00:08:34,060 --> 00:08:37,097 - Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! - Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! 173 00:08:37,140 --> 00:08:39,210 - Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! - Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! 174 00:08:42,660 --> 00:08:44,969 - I have to get a bus. - OK. 175 00:08:45,020 --> 00:08:46,373 - See you tomorrow. - See you tomorrow. 176 00:08:53,820 --> 00:08:55,651 - Hello. - Jesus Christ! 177 00:08:55,700 --> 00:08:57,850 - You scared the shit out of me. - Who is she? 178 00:08:57,900 --> 00:09:00,892 She's just a journalist doing a piece about me. I've got to go. 179 00:09:00,940 --> 00:09:03,010 I... Oh, damn it! 180 00:09:03,060 --> 00:09:06,177 It's my electronic tag. I must be beyond the ten-mile zone. 181 00:09:06,220 --> 00:09:09,257 - Really? - Yeah, this must be the line right here. 182 00:09:10,380 --> 00:09:13,531 Ha-ha! Well, it's a great system. 183 00:09:13,580 --> 00:09:15,059 I hope you're going to call me. 184 00:09:15,100 --> 00:09:17,011 Absolutely. As soon as I have a spare moment. 185 00:09:17,060 --> 00:09:18,015 You'd better, Toast! 186 00:09:24,420 --> 00:09:26,172 Thank you. 187 00:09:26,220 --> 00:09:29,371 Although I'm honoured to receive this award, it's not a surprise. 188 00:09:29,420 --> 00:09:31,331 Pleased with your award, are you, Toast? 189 00:09:31,380 --> 00:09:34,656 Yes. About bloody time this industry recognised me. 190 00:09:34,700 --> 00:09:38,136 And to celebrate, I'm planning a romantic walk along a canal. 191 00:09:38,180 --> 00:09:42,059 Oh, I fell into a canal once when I was filming that episode of Minder. 192 00:09:42,100 --> 00:09:43,328 I was handcuffed to Diana Quick. 193 00:09:43,380 --> 00:09:47,293 Ooh. Well, I'll be accompanied by the delightful Susan Random. 194 00:09:47,340 --> 00:09:49,535 Susan Random, the journalist? Oh, I follow her on Twitter. 195 00:09:49,580 --> 00:09:51,730 I plan to follow her myself, but not on Twitter. 196 00:09:51,780 --> 00:09:53,930 - Just along a canal. - Excellent. 197 00:09:53,980 --> 00:09:56,289 Why are you dressed as the Man from Del Monte? 198 00:09:56,340 --> 00:09:59,173 - It's for Kikini's imminent arrival. - I see. 199 00:09:59,220 --> 00:10:01,780 It's absolutely crucial, Toast, that we make as little as possible 200 00:10:01,820 --> 00:10:04,015 - of the Bruce Forsyth thing. - Of course. 201 00:10:04,060 --> 00:10:05,698 Ah, that'll be her. 202 00:10:05,740 --> 00:10:09,813 Remember, the whole Brucie thing is strictly off the agenda. Most important. 203 00:10:09,860 --> 00:10:12,454 All right, Ed! 204 00:10:12,500 --> 00:10:16,459 Ah! A canal poem by Susan Random. 205 00:10:16,500 --> 00:10:17,819 "Dear Steven. 206 00:10:17,860 --> 00:10:21,535 "My favourite place for water is in a long canal 207 00:10:21,580 --> 00:10:26,256 "Although it can be dark and wet It never is banal." 208 00:10:26,300 --> 00:10:28,370 Susan, that's beautiful. 209 00:10:29,860 --> 00:10:32,249 Kikini, this is my flatmate, Steven Toast. 210 00:10:32,300 --> 00:10:35,292 Nice to see you, to see you nice! 211 00:10:36,620 --> 00:10:37,689 Forgive that. 212 00:10:37,740 --> 00:10:40,459 Ed did tell me that to mention any of your catch phrases was strictly... 213 00:10:40,500 --> 00:10:43,219 strictly... strictly... strictly... 214 00:10:43,260 --> 00:10:45,057 strictly... strictly... strictly... 215 00:10:45,100 --> 00:10:46,533 strictly... 216 00:10:46,580 --> 00:10:48,810 strictly... strictly... strictly... 217 00:10:48,860 --> 00:10:50,851 strictly... strictly... 218 00:10:50,900 --> 00:10:51,969 strictly... 219 00:10:52,020 --> 00:10:52,930 Ooh! 220 00:10:53,980 --> 00:10:55,891 You don't look actually anything like him. 221 00:10:55,940 --> 00:10:57,692 I might need a lie-down. 222 00:10:57,740 --> 00:11:01,130 Yes, Kikini. You've had a long journey. Er... let me show you to your room. 223 00:11:01,180 --> 00:11:03,057 What, out this way again, is it? 224 00:11:05,980 --> 00:11:08,096 Oh, shit. 225 00:11:09,500 --> 00:11:11,411 It was as if I was in some kind of trance. 226 00:11:11,460 --> 00:11:14,577 But she does look the spitting image of Bruce Forsyth. 227 00:11:14,620 --> 00:11:16,690 And apparently she hates him. 228 00:11:16,740 --> 00:11:19,208 I thought I'd hate you before I met you. 229 00:11:19,260 --> 00:11:22,411 Everyone said to me, "Oh, Steven Toast? What a cunt." 230 00:11:22,460 --> 00:11:24,052 But you're not. 231 00:11:25,300 --> 00:11:27,336 You're really not. 232 00:11:29,860 --> 00:11:31,452 Just a moment. 233 00:11:38,940 --> 00:11:42,012 I'd often wondered how those things ended up in canals. 234 00:11:42,060 --> 00:11:46,451 Yes! I'm the sort of person who dumps supermarket trolleys in canals. 235 00:11:46,500 --> 00:11:48,491 I want to know everything about you. 236 00:11:54,700 --> 00:11:56,930 So, what will you have to drink? 237 00:11:56,980 --> 00:11:59,653 I suppose there is something I should tell you. 238 00:11:59,700 --> 00:12:03,534 I'm not embarrassed about it, but I have to let you know. 239 00:12:04,700 --> 00:12:06,850 I'm an alcoholic. 240 00:12:06,900 --> 00:12:09,972 Brilliant. I mean, no-one drinks these days. Let's get a bottle of whisky. 241 00:12:10,020 --> 00:12:12,580 No, Toast. I'm a recovering alcoholic. 242 00:12:12,620 --> 00:12:14,815 I can't drink, ever. 243 00:12:14,860 --> 00:12:17,135 It ruined my life. 244 00:12:18,220 --> 00:12:19,494 Well, look, it doesn't matter. 245 00:12:19,540 --> 00:12:22,373 We'll get a bottle of whisky, and I'll drink your half as well. 246 00:12:22,420 --> 00:12:23,614 Ha-ha-ha-ha! 247 00:12:23,660 --> 00:12:26,254 If I was still drinking, I wouldn't just drink half a bottle. 248 00:12:26,300 --> 00:12:28,370 Me too! I'd drink the whole bottle. 249 00:12:28,420 --> 00:12:30,650 We have so much in common. 250 00:12:30,700 --> 00:12:36,252 So, apart from throwing shopping trolleys in canals, being an alcoholic, 251 00:12:36,300 --> 00:12:38,097 you seem refreshingly normal. 252 00:12:38,140 --> 00:12:40,256 So, what else should I know about you? 253 00:12:40,300 --> 00:12:42,689 I mean, these things normally come in threes. 254 00:12:42,740 --> 00:12:45,129 Oh, that's all my skeletons out of the closet, Toast. 255 00:12:45,180 --> 00:12:47,091 I promise, no more surprises. 256 00:12:47,140 --> 00:12:51,019 Listen. I have to do that bloody awful play later, but I'll be free afterwards. 257 00:12:51,060 --> 00:12:52,573 Now, I would invite you round to mine, 258 00:12:52,620 --> 00:12:56,010 but we have that female Bruce Forsyth lookalike staying. 259 00:12:56,060 --> 00:12:59,052 - So? - So, is there any room at yours? 260 00:13:00,140 --> 00:13:03,018 Oh. You mean for... sexy time? 261 00:13:03,060 --> 00:13:05,779 - Well, I... I wouldn't... - I like sexy time. 262 00:13:05,820 --> 00:13:08,254 Great! I can supply my own sheaths. 263 00:13:08,300 --> 00:13:11,736 I do have one rule. I will not use extra-safe ones. 264 00:13:11,780 --> 00:13:14,897 They're too thick, and I don't believe in putting in the extra effort. OK? 265 00:13:14,940 --> 00:13:17,500 - All good my end. - Excellent. 266 00:13:17,540 --> 00:13:20,976 I'd love you to come back. It's just... my house is a little untidy. 267 00:13:22,220 --> 00:13:26,179 Oh, sod it. I'll tidy up. Um... might need to spend a bit of time on it though. 268 00:13:26,220 --> 00:13:29,337 Um... you could come around tomorrow night? 269 00:13:29,380 --> 00:13:32,099 - I'm totally free. Excellent. - Ha. 270 00:13:33,220 --> 00:13:34,778 Just need to pop to the loo. 271 00:13:36,180 --> 00:13:37,169 Ha-ha! 272 00:13:43,460 --> 00:13:46,133 Oh! Call you? Yes! 273 00:13:46,180 --> 00:13:48,091 For a drink? Yes. 274 00:13:48,140 --> 00:13:50,859 Yeah, I'll call you. 275 00:13:54,540 --> 00:13:57,054 Come back to bed, Kikini! 276 00:13:57,100 --> 00:13:59,170 Look! I think I'm ready to go again! 277 00:14:01,420 --> 00:14:04,059 I'm just making myself a small sandwich. Do you want one? 278 00:14:04,100 --> 00:14:05,374 Well, er... 279 00:14:07,540 --> 00:14:10,498 I'm not going to say goodnight, cos if I attempt to say anything, 280 00:14:10,540 --> 00:14:13,452 it's just going to end up being one of Bruce Forsyth's catch phrases 281 00:14:13,500 --> 00:14:17,539 like "I'm in charge" or "Good game, good game" or "Give us a twirl", 282 00:14:17,580 --> 00:14:20,777 so I'll just say nothing. 283 00:14:20,820 --> 00:14:22,458 Oh, shit. 284 00:14:43,180 --> 00:14:45,216 I think I'll have a shower. 285 00:14:45,260 --> 00:14:46,488 Yes, of course. 286 00:14:53,860 --> 00:14:55,737 What the hell are you playing at, Ed? 287 00:14:55,780 --> 00:14:57,816 I know. I'm not proud of myself. 288 00:14:57,860 --> 00:15:00,215 It's just, I've always been a big fan of Bruce. 289 00:15:00,260 --> 00:15:01,773 She's not Bruce Forsyth. 290 00:15:01,820 --> 00:15:04,015 I'm acutely aware of how it looks. 291 00:15:04,060 --> 00:15:07,769 The thing is, it's really made Kikini feel attractive again. 292 00:15:07,820 --> 00:15:09,014 What? 293 00:15:09,060 --> 00:15:11,574 I'm just trying to shift the focus away from her looking like Brucie. 294 00:15:11,620 --> 00:15:14,896 In fact, I think she may be beginning to quite like the idea. 295 00:15:14,940 --> 00:15:17,170 For fuck's sake! 296 00:15:18,420 --> 00:15:21,969 So, how are you getting on with Susan Random? 297 00:15:22,020 --> 00:15:26,172 Good. I'm seeing her again tonight, going back to her place. 298 00:15:26,220 --> 00:15:28,097 - Really? - Oh, yes. 299 00:15:29,900 --> 00:15:31,618 Here we are. 300 00:15:35,620 --> 00:15:36,609 Good God. 301 00:15:40,340 --> 00:15:42,774 Follow me. 302 00:15:44,860 --> 00:15:47,658 Right behind you. Not as young as I was. 303 00:15:50,060 --> 00:15:52,415 Ooh. 304 00:15:52,460 --> 00:15:54,530 I guessed that these things normally come in threes. 305 00:15:54,580 --> 00:15:55,933 What do you mean? 306 00:15:55,980 --> 00:15:58,699 Well, you appear to be one of those extreme hoarders 307 00:15:58,740 --> 00:16:01,334 I've seen those TV programmes about. 308 00:16:01,380 --> 00:16:02,699 It's just a little untidy. 309 00:16:02,740 --> 00:16:04,890 Honestly, you should have seen what it was like before. 310 00:16:04,940 --> 00:16:06,089 Ooh! 311 00:16:06,140 --> 00:16:09,018 - What's wrong? - I think I'm stuck. 312 00:16:12,300 --> 00:16:14,370 I'm just going to change 313 00:16:14,420 --> 00:16:18,936 into something... a little more comfortable. 314 00:16:18,980 --> 00:16:20,777 If that's OK. 315 00:16:20,820 --> 00:16:22,412 Yes. 316 00:16:26,900 --> 00:16:29,334 Don't go away. 317 00:16:29,380 --> 00:16:31,769 Not much chance of that. 318 00:16:31,820 --> 00:16:35,733 This may take a little while. 319 00:16:42,540 --> 00:16:45,213 Ah. Hee-hee! Yeah. 320 00:16:48,540 --> 00:16:49,939 Oh, yes. 321 00:16:49,980 --> 00:16:53,973 Mm. I see you're wearing a sports vest. 322 00:16:55,980 --> 00:16:58,653 I would have thought you'd have got in by now. 323 00:16:58,700 --> 00:17:01,168 If I could, I would. 324 00:17:01,220 --> 00:17:02,892 You're definitely stuck. 325 00:17:02,940 --> 00:17:04,931 I should get help. 326 00:17:04,980 --> 00:17:07,778 Where did I put my phone? 327 00:17:07,820 --> 00:17:10,015 Oh, no, no, no. Oh... 328 00:17:14,460 --> 00:17:16,690 Aa-a-a-ah! 329 00:17:16,740 --> 00:17:18,492 I thought you said you were going to ring me. 330 00:17:18,540 --> 00:17:21,532 I think it may be here. 331 00:17:24,980 --> 00:17:25,969 Are you sleeping with this woman? 332 00:17:26,020 --> 00:17:27,692 Who is this person, Toast? 333 00:17:27,740 --> 00:17:29,810 Her name's Jemima. I'm sorry, I don't know your full name. 334 00:17:29,860 --> 00:17:30,849 Jemima Gina. 335 00:17:30,900 --> 00:17:32,936 - Meet Susan Random. - Who is she? 336 00:17:32,980 --> 00:17:34,811 She's no-one. We went out for one night. 337 00:17:34,860 --> 00:17:37,055 It's a bit more than that. It was a pretty serious relationship. 338 00:17:37,100 --> 00:17:38,579 We were practically engaged. 339 00:17:38,620 --> 00:17:40,497 What the fuck are you talking about? 340 00:17:40,540 --> 00:17:41,939 Is this true, Toast? 341 00:17:41,980 --> 00:17:43,936 Of course not! She's a dangerous criminal! 342 00:17:43,980 --> 00:17:47,416 No, I'm not! Anyway, there's gonna be a retrial. I'll get off. 343 00:17:47,460 --> 00:17:49,098 - Retrial for what? - Murder. 344 00:17:49,140 --> 00:17:51,700 Attempted murder, thank you! 345 00:17:51,740 --> 00:17:56,052 I don't know what to say, Toast. I thought we had so much in common. 346 00:17:56,100 --> 00:17:59,536 - I can't believe you're cheating on me! - You need to shut your mouth! 347 00:17:59,580 --> 00:18:04,290 So, how are we going to resolve this, anyway? I'm very fucking angry about this! 348 00:18:07,420 --> 00:18:09,376 You keep beaks too! 349 00:18:09,420 --> 00:18:11,456 Yes. 350 00:18:11,500 --> 00:18:12,979 I've got about 20 boxes of them. 351 00:18:13,020 --> 00:18:15,898 I adore beaks! 352 00:18:15,940 --> 00:18:18,500 I really do. I've framed mine. I've got them on the wall. 353 00:18:18,540 --> 00:18:20,451 I must have several hundred. 354 00:18:20,500 --> 00:18:22,411 I just find them so fascinating. 355 00:18:22,460 --> 00:18:24,132 - So fragile. - Noble. 356 00:18:24,180 --> 00:18:27,616 - I love what you've done to the place. - Oh, you're so sweet. 357 00:18:31,860 --> 00:18:35,535 358 00:18:35,580 --> 00:18:40,813 but he's somehow wriggled free 359 00:18:40,860 --> 00:18:44,489 I really thought we'd work 360 00:18:44,540 --> 00:18:49,853 Now you've set my world berserk 361 00:18:49,900 --> 00:18:54,337 and you'll get what comes to you 362 00:18:54,380 --> 00:18:58,214 but it pays to tell the truth 363 00:18:58,260 --> 00:19:03,209 I like you, can't you see? 364 00:19:03,260 --> 00:19:07,890 365 00:19:07,940 --> 00:19:12,331 366 00:19:12,380 --> 00:19:17,135 ♪ Now my world's started closing in on me. ♪ 367 00:19:28,780 --> 00:19:32,090 - You know the rules, Jemima. - Give me a ring, yeah? 368 00:19:32,140 --> 00:19:34,051 Yeah? 369 00:19:41,900 --> 00:19:43,856 We could go to a hotel. 370 00:19:43,900 --> 00:19:46,539 Oh, I don't think so, Toast. 371 00:19:46,580 --> 00:19:49,333 It's four o'clock in the morning. You should go home. 372 00:19:49,380 --> 00:19:50,654 - Really? - Look. 373 00:19:50,700 --> 00:19:53,294 We should take a break from each other. 374 00:19:53,340 --> 00:19:54,932 We've only known each other two days. 375 00:19:54,980 --> 00:20:00,373 To be honest, Toast, I think you're a... a little weird. 376 00:20:00,420 --> 00:20:02,536 I'm weird? 377 00:20:02,580 --> 00:20:06,937 You're an alcoholic, extreme hoarder, supermarket-trolley-in-the-canal dumper. 378 00:20:06,980 --> 00:20:10,529 However... you're very attractive. 379 00:20:23,220 --> 00:20:24,209 Toast. 380 00:20:24,260 --> 00:20:27,138 Sorry, Toast, to ring you at four o'clock in the morning, 381 00:20:27,180 --> 00:20:29,933 but, er... the award ceremony is on tonight. 382 00:20:29,980 --> 00:20:32,972 You are going, aren't you? They're very keen that you appear. 383 00:20:33,020 --> 00:20:34,851 Yeah. I need cheering up. 384 00:20:34,900 --> 00:20:37,460 Good. There's just one little thing. 385 00:20:37,500 --> 00:20:38,376 What? 386 00:20:38,420 --> 00:20:41,537 Well, you know I said you'd won the award for best actor? 387 00:20:41,580 --> 00:20:43,332 - Yeah. - Well, it's actually 388 00:20:43,380 --> 00:20:45,018 for worst actor. 389 00:20:45,060 --> 00:20:48,132 - Sorry? - It's actually for worst actor. 390 00:20:48,180 --> 00:20:52,537 It's a kind of cheeky award they give out every year. 391 00:20:52,580 --> 00:20:54,810 I think the finer details must have been on the attachment, 392 00:20:54,860 --> 00:20:57,090 - and I don't normally read attachments. - Well, you listen to me. 393 00:20:57,140 --> 00:21:00,371 There's been a change of plan. I'm not fucking going to the award ceremony. 394 00:21:00,420 --> 00:21:02,058 And if this wasn't a mobile phone, 395 00:21:02,100 --> 00:21:03,931 I'd be hanging up on you right now. 396 00:21:03,980 --> 00:21:06,448 So... Hello? 397 00:21:08,300 --> 00:21:10,530 Is everyone enjoying themselves tonight? 398 00:21:10,580 --> 00:21:13,458 God! Who's this prick? 399 00:21:13,500 --> 00:21:17,015 All right, and now it's time to present the award for... 400 00:21:17,060 --> 00:21:19,210 worst actor. 401 00:21:19,260 --> 00:21:21,216 And the winner is... 402 00:21:21,260 --> 00:21:23,490 Ah, very well deserved, mate. 403 00:21:23,540 --> 00:21:25,417 Steven Toast. 404 00:21:25,460 --> 00:21:28,497 - Ha-ha-ha - All right, all right, all right. 405 00:21:28,540 --> 00:21:30,690 Now, unfortunately, Steven can't be with us tonight, 406 00:21:30,740 --> 00:21:34,619 but he has sent a major celebrity to collect the award. 407 00:21:34,660 --> 00:21:36,890 Please welcome Bruce Forsythl 408 00:21:40,420 --> 00:21:43,696 - Oh, thank you so much. - You're welcome. 409 00:21:44,700 --> 00:21:48,090 Ah, yes, now, very sadly, Steven can't be with us this evening, 410 00:21:48,140 --> 00:21:53,339 but I am so pleased to accept this wonderful award on his behalf. 411 00:21:53,380 --> 00:21:55,132 A-ha! 412 00:21:55,180 --> 00:21:58,775 It's very good of you to send Kikini to the awards, Toast. 413 00:21:58,820 --> 00:22:01,288 She looks as though she's having a tremendous time. 414 00:22:04,580 --> 00:22:06,252 Let's have a toast, Toast. 415 00:22:06,300 --> 00:22:07,858 I'm not sure we're supposed to be celebrating. 416 00:22:07,900 --> 00:22:09,219 Who cares? 417 00:22:10,900 --> 00:22:12,128 Ah, thank you. 418 00:22:12,180 --> 00:22:14,250 - Didn't she do well? - Ha-ha! 419 00:22:14,300 --> 00:22:20,291 Ripped By mstoll